Kitten’s Mewlings

Dreams. That is where the future begins. Without dreams, there is no ambition to move forward, to excel, to create, in essence there is no future.

As children, people dream of what could be, what might be, and on some subconscious level, plan how to achieve the possibilities floating in their minds. As the children grow up, some dreams are realized solely as dreams, fantasy, while others are known to be physical truths to be one day touched. When children become young adults, the future seems endless, realities just out of reach. Some dreams become entangled between multiple people, companies are formed, partnerships make money and products easily accessible to many, and couples come together for a shared dream. Other dreams hit roadblocks, walls, and barriers, sometimes crushed underneath another person’s demanding fist of power, or set aside to allow another safe passage alongside. It is conceivable the day people stop dreaming is the day they stop living.

I have written before of my dreams of becoming a loving mother, devoted wife, and dedicated employee. This dream is still with me, though it saddens me to see so much going right for others and having to constantly stop my day to congratulate another on stepping stones and even milestones of their dreams becoming a reality while I am stumbling over a blade of grass on my way to my next stone.

Ignoring the age factor, although that does play a small role in my sadness, I figured that by now I’d be at the very least happily engaged. I honestly do not like the fact that my dreams depend on another person’s dreams, but sometimes, that is how life is. With my ex, I was happy. It was plausible that we could have taken our relationship anywhere. However, when presented with a chance to change things for the better, I suggested moving in together, and suddenly my life was crushed. It seems that although we had spent four years together, he was quite uncomfortable with our relationship being taken to a higher level. He did not know when he would be comfortable with such an action, and we parted ways. Four years of a dream crushed and I was forced to start anew. Then I met TJ. It was all just a romp in the hay; he was not the settling-down type. I was sad to part ways with him, I try to keep in touch; even though he is completely wrong for me, he is fun to hang out with. But parting ways with him landed me in the arms of Big Ed.

Big Ed is recently divorced. I am fine with this. He doesn’t want to rush into things. I completely understand. He wants children, just not right now. I agree.

So why am I having issues with our relationship as it stands right now? Because I am beginning to fear that he will string me along and allow our relationship to coast rather than move forward. Quite honestly, I’m tired of hearing "it’s possible" and the like. Forgive me for sounding like a spoiled child but, I want it NOW! Seriously, though, I know these things take time. I would prefer, however, to not allow my hopes up too high with "it’s possible" only to have them crushed in the future with some lame excuse. I understand men are men and I understand that a man could get accustomed to the sex. I am not deluding myself, in fact I firmly believe that is what happened with my ex. I do not fear this of Big Ed, but there are times when I wonder if he is not ready to move beyond where we are.

It was quite a step from having me move in to us renting an actual house together. Then there was the purchasing of objects that will need custody disputes in the event we split up - a complete living room set, a complete bedroom set, and a complete home theater system. What else says "I plan to keep you around" better than going into debt with another person? It makes a great joke, but in all seriousness, this is a big step, a small stepping stone, perhaps, in reaching the end of my seemingly elusive dream.

A coworker has recently admitted to us his girlfriend and her child. They are adorable together, really, but they have been together only a few months and he is purchasing a promise ring - a symbol of a promise to do no wrong and signifies they will, one day, quite possibly be engaged. Some couples are like that; they meet and there is an instant inseparable quality to their relationship. It hurts to see these real life "love at first sight" kind of relationships. They are a depressing reminder that some of us either had that and did not know it and/or lost it or that we may never have that chance. This is not a bash against the lucky, it is simply a depressed sigh of envy.

That is what I want. I want to have the kind of relationship that you see in movies; the laughing and rolling in the grass on a bright sunny day, picnicking in the park, skipping stones on the water, photographing random moments, tickle fights, playfully wrestling around on the floor over the remote, earth-shattering love making, candle-lit dinners, holding hands walking down the street, falling asleep in each others arms on the couch, losing time looking in each other’s eyes, carefree kind of relationship. Call me a romantic, it’s true. And quite depressing when slapped with reality.

I enjoy my time with Big Ed. It’s wonderful - aside from the times he chooses to bring my young age into the mix. He claims our being 10years apart does not bother him, but it does. I can see it, even if he cannot. I understand wanting to be with each other for a few years before allowing yourself to contemplate proposing, but waiting until your partner is a certain age? There are times I want to just scream and walk out. But where would that get me? Right back into a world of hurt and wondering how much of a wonderful thing I have thrown away - again.

But looking from the other side of the window, I can understand how, even subconsciously, having a partner at a certain age can affect decisions. Honestly, I can’t. Every example I come up with negates the opening of this paragraph. All equations point to shallow men. My apologies for wasting your time with these sentences.

Big Ed and I joke and dance around the age issue. I find nothing wrong with it; Hell, my parents are 10years apart, but that is nothing when compared to my step-sister’s grandparents - who were 25years apart! Maybe I am simply all wrong and Big Ed, even at his age, is not mature enough to handle such an "issue" in a relationship. Again, this lands me right back at square one.

I cannot talk with him about this, because, as I have said, this is a subconscious happening on his part, and though he will not deny that it is possible, he pushes the subject aside.

I must admit that this is not our only problem, we do argue, but a healthy couple does argue; however what sets a healthy couple apart is the way the argument is handled, how the issue is resolved, and how willing each partner is to compromise. Looking at it this way, a relationship contains a portion of politicking, putting a person’s people-skills to the test. But that is life.

And that is also why I fear I may never have that Hollywood-produced "Heaven-on-Earth" relationship. Who wants to be with someone they agree one hundred percent with, anyway? Does not a high divorce-rate stem from couples becoming bored from having a partner that is too predictable? This endangers the dream of being the forever-married and loving wife, does it not?

 Shattered dreams, where does that leave us? If dreams are the future, what is left when the future is destroyed?